started the new class today, think i like it better than the last one although i do still have doubts about this program in general.

am interested in applying to be a flight attendant.

smoked with Alexis twice but over all i'm getting better at not craving cigarettes and compulsively smoking them.

have so continually encountered social drama that i feel like i am beginning to doubt my own self and sincerity. are all these distressing situations the result of my own behavior? if it's the result of others' behaviors, isn't that still a reflection of my own behavior as i have surrounded myself with people whose virtues and vices and personalities i enjoy? or maybe that's just it, maybe they are virtues and vices and personalities i used to enjoy and a large part of why i don't enjoy them anymore is that i've changed, and that is reflected maybe in how i am no longer validated or affirmed in this circle. i'm exhausted.

had delicious family dinner with Isabelle and my roommates, with homemade banananana bread for dessert.

goodnight.

day 10

it's been just about 10 days of no facebook for me. i did cheat and reopen facebook, but only to get some addresses so that i could send letters, so, at least it was for a good cause and i shut it down quickly.

today is also day 3 of not smoking and day two without coffee.

huzzah.

had a week of oppressive nightmares a couple of weeks ago, spent the last week not sleeping which helped the nightmares go away, but since then have been extremely fatigued as i am having trouble getting to sleep before 5 am.

today i will not consume any caffeine and i will go for a run, in the hopes that some physical exhaustion will help me sleep.

cut off!

began a one month hiatus from facebook today; daily life is largely unaffected. i do feel a bit of a disconnect, more than that though, i just don't know what to do with myself when the impulse to check facebook arises. have been trying to read news about the protests (slutwalk and occupywallst) whenever my internet surfing compulsions surface.

will try to phase out sudoku, coffee, and cigarettes over the course of this month.

also i got a job at kismet, a darling little boutique in the highlands. this may be the perfect job for me, if nothing else i have needed te structure and the cash will be fun to spend. i must say, not working was absolutely luxurious and i do miss it.

s stood me up on saturday, i am a bit leery to see him again, but will do so (with trepidation) later this week.

grad school...

well, that's a thing people do. not sure if i like my progrm, however, i can't bear another setback, i have this incredible push to keep going, i'd rather go the wrong direction than stay still.

so i'm back in denver, again; i always leave but i also always come back. I'm in grad school this time, we'll see how long i stay this time.

wandered into the blair-caldwell library museum today in five points. on the third floor i watched a video presentation about the black seminoles, i love history, i wish maybe that i was studying conflict history instead of education.

I'm living with alexis and gabe in a beautfiul apartment just east of cheeseman park, i'll have to upload some photos, it's absolutely lovely here. it's such a home, we share meals, music, news, stories, wine and all the other things you share when a household becomes a home.

mike offered me a job as his research assistant, lord knows i haven't been able to find a job i've wanted here and my student loans are going to run out eventually, so i'm hoping this works.

have been reading colette, rhys, and bowen. didn't like bowen much, but am loving the other two. also just started fitzgerald's tender is the night, i really like it, but of course, i love fitzgerald and his crazy, misunderstood wife, zelda.

trying to read a few articles a day from reuters along with good, you'd think it'd be easier, but i've been feeling rather adrift, and the news just isn't helping me find my grounding.

tallest man on earth

cannot get enough of this artist, this album, this song in particular.

the gardener, by the tallest man on earth.

oh my god i need to be doing something else.

the gods are furious

first came the wind, the wind brought the darkness and the darkness brought the rain and it rained and blustered for three days in the dark, with the steadiness of a monsoon, and the winds were always there.
monsoons are quite unlike the raging storms i've seen here in the northeast. the monsoons i saw in asia impressed me first with the sheer volume of water dropped on the earth, and second with their resolute capacity to continue. the rains here are simply more stormy. there is a way the wind drives the warmth and contentedness out of you, whips rain so piercingly against your body as to imply a hatred and a vengeance. in thailand it was so humid one could never be dry, whether you came inside or the rain stopped outside, you were going to be sticky and damp. here it's not the wetness that stays with you, but the bitter cold. your comfort and kindness are devoured; those who are strong are left angry enough to rebuild their spirits. the rest are left withered and resigned. and this is the power of a real storm, that weather hates you for as long as it lasts until you can only rebel against it or fall beneath it.

this is the kind of weather we've been having the past few days. i think of all the suffering endured in these elements until lined coats and microfiber blankets, cars with heated seats were built in man's rebellion against the weather. because of their anger and industry i didn't even feel one one hundredth of the power of this past storm and still, it swept up my coat sleeves and down my neck, into my lungs and marrow and no amount of hours under blankets can take away the cold that has crept into my body.